Kodwa, kubonakala ngathi, amadoda athile acinga ukucinga ayenjalo-kwaye, kwaye avumela iimvakalelo ezahlukileyo kwalawo avunyelwe ukuziphatha kwezenhlalakahle nezenkolo. Khumbula ukuba, "u-Anna Karenina," uLevin uva ukukrakra komkakhe uKitty, ekubandezelekeni xa ebeletha: "Wayegxininisa intloko yakhe enqabeni, wahlala ekamelweni elilandelayo waza weva umntu engazange ave u-squeal, ukugquma, kwaye wayeyazi ukuba wayekhala oko kwakungaphambi kweKoty. Wayengafuni umntwana ixesha elide. Ngoku wamthiya lo mntwana. Akazange afune ubomi bakhe ngoku, wayefuna kuphela ukupheliswa kwezi ntlungu ezimbi. " Kwaye nangona umntwana oza kuzalwa ebonakaliswa kwiqhawe, akanakuva novelwano okanye ububele xa ebona "isiqwengana" esilubomvu.
ULeon Tolstoy , uyise wabantwana abalishumi elinantathu, utyalole kakhulu kuLevin ukuba ukuhamba okunjalo kubonakale kunesibindi sokuvuma. Kwaye-obawo banqatshelwe indlela yokuphila yowesifazane: ngokukhawuleza emva kokuzalwa, ukukhululwa kwe-hormonal enamandla kwenzeka emzimbeni womama, okwenza umzimba ukulibale ukuvakalelwa okungahambi kakuhle kwaye uzive ukhathala, njengoko emva komsebenzi onzima. Kungenxa yokokuba abaninzi abafazi baphupha ngokuzala umntwana wesibini nowesithathu: ubuhlungu buya kususwa kwimemori, kwaye ukunyuka komama kukuva ukuba ufuna ukuphinde ufumane kwakhona.
Musa ukusola ukungahloniphi kwesoxesha elizayo ubawo, oloyikekayo ngenguqu eyenziwa ngumfazi othandekayo kwaye ngexesha lokuthatha inxaxheba kotata ekukhuliseni umntwana. Amadoda, ngokuchaseneyo, ngamanye amaxesha akhathazeke kakhulu kwaye angenako ukufumana umama wesikhathi esizayo kangangokuba bafumana ukugula kwasekuseni, iintlungu ze-pelvic baze batye. Le yinto ebizwa ngokuthi "ukukhulelwa kwengqondo". Oogqirha baseFransi babiza eli lizwe "UVavad syndrome" (ephuma kwisihlwele saseFransi - "ukukhupha iinkukhu"). Ngendlela, ngokombono wabo, amadoda asinda ekukhulelweni komhlobo okanye umfazi njengabo bobawo obayihlo abaxhalabelekileyo nabanyanisekileyo.
Nangona kunjalo, ukuthatha inxaxheba kayihlo ekukhulisweni komntwana kwaye ekukhulelweni nasekuzaleni kunomdaka ophantsi: kungathatha uxhamlo lobomi ekuzalweni ngokusondeleyo entliziyweni, kwaye ngokukhawuleza ukunyamezela oku, ukubeka ngokuthobeka, ukungathinteli umboniso. Kamva, oku kunokuchaphazela ulwalamano lwakhe nomntwana, ongenalwazi ukuba yintoni ebangela ukubandezeleka kwintsapho ngokubonakala kwayo. "Ukholo lukaYise" (alucaci ukuba lukho konke) aluveli kwinto yokuzalwa kwendoda encinane, nangona kunjalo - iya kuguquka. Kwaye ukuxela ukuba kuya kuba njani nale nto okanye loo ndoda ethile, kunzima. Ngendlela, into enomdla: Umntwana wesigqirha waseFrancis u-Michel Lyakosye wafunda ukuvela kweentsana iminyaka engaphezu kweyishumi waza wafika kwisigqibo sokuthi umntwana oneminyaka emncinci unjengotata, kwaye, kuphela, eneminyaka emithathu, iimpawu zomama nazo zibonakala kuye. Ngokweengcali, oku kuwubuqili - ukuze upapa, athathe umntwana ezandleni zakhe, unokuqiniseka ukuba lo ngumntwana wakhe, kwaye kulula ukumthanda. Ukuba oku kuyinyani, ngoko "isisa sikayise" kunye nothando lukabawo zizinto ezifunyenweyo, kunokuba zentlalontle kunezinto eziphilayo. Nangona imfuneko yokuqhubeka kwintlobo, ngokuqinisekileyo, imvelo, ixhomekeke ngokuqinisekileyo kunye nokwesaba ukufa kunye nokunxanela ukungafi ngokomzimba. Kwaye kanye nale nqweno yamadoda, njengokulawula, konke kulungelelaniso: ayikho ingozi apho abaninzi babo, ngokomzekelo, banokuba ngabanikeli besidoda. Nangona kunjalo, umntwana akafunanga kuphela ukukhulelwa, kodwa nokukhula-kwaye iingxaki ziqala kweli nqanaba.
Ngecala lobazali
I-Institute of Paternity yasungulwa ekuhlaleni kwenkcubeko yesizwe kunye nokuzalwa kwepropati yangasese: ixabiso lokuqokelelwa kwezinto ezifunekayo kufuneka lihanjiswe kumntu, ngokokuba ooyise baba yimfuneko kwaye babalulekile kubantwana, ingakumbi oonyana. Umtshato wesigxina kunye nenkolelo yokunyaniseka kwendoda enobudlelwane nayo ikwaziswa malunga namaxesha afanayo: ukuze kudlule into ethile ngelifa, umntu kufuneka aqiniseke ukuba indlalifa ngumntwana wakhe, inyama yakhe negazi lakhe. Ukuba nguyise-kwakuthetha ukufumana indawo ethile kunye nesimo kuluntu, kwaye ukungabantwana kwakubonwa njengento ehlazo. Nangona kunjalo, phambi kommeli wesini esomeleleyo, kwakudingeka ukudala nokuqokelela oko wayeza kuyitshintshela, kwaye emva koko uyanyamekela umzukeli. Okokuqala, ukwakha indlu nokutshala umthi, kwaye kuphela kwindawo yesithathu - ukuvusa unyana.
Yiyo le khokelo ekhokelwa ngabayeni banamhlanje abakhetha ukwakhiwa komsebenzi ngokuyinhloko, ukuze bafumane ukuzinza kwezinto eziphathekayo kunye nentlalo, baze baqalise intsapho baze bachithe ixesha elizeleyo lokuba bathathe inxaxheba ekukhuliseni umntwana. Nangona kunjalo, baqaphele ukuba kwiminyaka edlulileyo, imitshato yayiqhelekile, ngokukhawuleza, kodwa oku akuzange kuthintele umsebenzi wooyise bentsapho. Abazange babenze abantwana bonke - babecingelwa njengobunina boomama, kwaye nangona babenethuba elinjalo, bakhetha ukusebenzisa ii-nurses-nurses, nannies kunye nabahambahambayo. Ooyise babecingwa ngokuthi "abazuzi", umsebenzi wabo wawuwukubonelela intsapho, "ukuze abantwana bangabi nantoni na into" (nangona ngoku abaninzi abantu bacinga njalo).
Enyanisweni , ukuthatha inxaxheba kootata kwimfundo yabantwana baqala ukuthetha kuphela nge-XX leminyaka. Ngama-1950, incwadi yashicilelwa e-United States phantsi kwesihloko esibalulekileyo: "Oomata banabantwana." Iingcali zengqondo zaqala ukubhala malunga nokuba umntwana ngamnye kuleso sigaba sokuphila kwakhe ufuna abazali bobabini, kuquka u-Erich Fromm owaziwayo "kwi-Art of Love" yakhe: "Umntu oqolileyo uhlanganisa unina kunye noyise xa ethanda, nangona bebonakala bekuya kuchasana. Ukuba wayenolwazi lukayise kuphela, wayeya kuba nomsindo kwaye engabonakali. Ukuba wayenolwazi olubelethwe ngumama kuphela, wayeya kuthanda ukulahlekelwa isigwebo esisisigxina kwaye azinqande yena nabanye ukuba bangaphumeleli. " Ngamanye amazwi, uthando kunye nomama kunye neentata zifunwa ngumntwana ukuze ufunde indlela yokuzithandela: ungaboni kakuhle njengomama, kwaye kungekhona njengokuba ufuna uyise.
Kodwa obawo abazalwanga, kwaye ukuba ukukhuselwa kwentombazana kuhlose ukuba kusebenze umama wakhe, abafana, njengombandela, abachazi indlela yokupapa. Amadoda asasaze adlala kwiintombi zowama, ngaphandle kwexesha kunye nokunyanzeliswa. Zivame ukunikezwa ngamadonki, kodwa iimoto kunye namajoni. Kubonakala ngathi yonke into iyangqiqweni: le nkwenkwe ixhomekeke kumsebenzi, kwaye intombazana yintsapho. Ehlabathini lanamhlanje, yonke into yinkimbinkimbi kakhulu, kwaye intsapho, njengamanye amaninzi, ngokuthe ngcembe ibe yinto ebalulekileyo kubo bobabini abalingani. Bobabini nomama banokutshintsha i-diapers yabantwana, bahambe kunye naye, bafunde i-fairy tale yobusuku, bancede ngomsebenzi wesikolo, kwaye bancedise uhlahlo lwabiwo-mali. Ngoku kuya kuba nzima nakakhulu ukukhupha ethile, ngokukhethekileyo, umsebenzi wobawo. Nangona kunjalo, ikhona, kwaye ayizange isuswe nayiphi na inguqu kwiintlalontle zentlalo ngokuthatha inxaxheba kayihlo ekukhulisweni komntwana.
Okwesithathu?
Nangona abafana bengenazo "izifundo zoonyana" njengomntwana, baqonda - nganye ngendlela yakhe-oko kuthetha ukuthatha uyise, kwaye umzekelo walo ngumzali wabo. Ufunda kuye kungekhona kuphela indlela yokujongana nomntwana, kodwa kunye nolwalamano nomfazi ozayo - kuxhomekeke kwindlela uyise aphatha ngayo unina. Kodwa, ngendlela, ubaba kulo mzekelo akayena umzali okanye ubaba ongumzali. Ingaba nayiphi na into, eyahlukileyo kumama, apho kufuneka umntwana ukuba afune khona uyise. Kwaye le mfuneko ihlala ikhona.
Utata onothando kumntwana ubaluleke kakhulu ekuphuculeni kwakhe kwengqondo. Ukungabikho kobazali kwindoda yakhe, nabani na onokuyenza-amadoda, abafazi, abahlobo. Ngokuqhelekileyo, kunokuba ngabantu abasondele kunina: oogogo, oomkhulu, oothixo-umntu onokuqala ukukwazi ukubona ukuba unina. " Kwaye ke umntwana okhulile akanakho ukuba nolwazi olubalulekileyo kakhulu kumntu kunye nomzekelo othe ngqo wobazali. " Ngamanye amazwi, iqhawe likaBegbedera, elixutyushwa ekuqaleni kwinqaku, ngumzekelo wendoda evuma ukungazilungeli kwengqondo kunye nokungakwazi ukuba nguyise. "Omnye umntu wesithathu" - ubaba ubonakala ebomini bomntwana, eqala ukuqonda ukuba akasekho kunye nonina. Oku kwenzeka kakhulu ngaphambi kokuba kubonakale - kwiinyanga ezi-5 ukuya kwezi-9. Kwengqondo, le nkqubo ibizwa ngokuba yi-triangulation yokuqala, xa i-dyad "umama womntwana" ithatyathwa yinto ebizwa ngokuthi "abantwana-abazali".
Kwiminyaka kamva (1 ukuya ku-3 iminyaka) - oko kuthiwa "doedipov" - umntwana uyaziqonda ngokucacileyo ukuba, ngaphandle kwakhe, kukho abanye abantu kunye nolunye ubudlelwane emhlabeni. Yaye nguyise (okanye umfanekiso owambeka esikhundleni) odlala indima ephambili kulo mntwana ekuqaliseni "ukwahlukana" kwakhe. Kuya kuxhomekeka kuye, luhlobo luni lobawo umntwana okhulileyo oza kuba kunye nokuba ufuna ukuba nguyise nhlobo. Kubalulekile kuphela ukuba uqaphele ukuba intsana idinga ukubonakaliswa kothando lukayise kungekho ngaphantsi koomama, kwaye oku akunakwenziwa nantoni "ekunikezeni intsapho" - kuba inkunzi yesazi ukuba yintoni imali kwaye kutheni kuyadingeka. Kodwa uyayiqonda kakuhle ukuba yintoni uthando kunye nenkathalo.
Umsebenzi oyintloko wobawo kukunceda umntwana ahlukane nomama, ukuba afunde ukuhlala eyakhe, ubomi obunokuzimela. Into enhle uyise angayenza kumntwana kukumnika izibonelelo eziyimfuneko ekuphuhliseni kwakhe: ukumnika ixesha, ukudlala naye, ukumnceda ukuba ajamelane neemvakalelo azinako "ukuzigaya" ngokwakhe. Kwaye kunye nolwalamano lwakhe nonina ukubonisa umntwana ukuba kufanele aziphatha njani naye, ngokukodwa, kwiimeko apho ephoxekayo, ephazamisayo. Ubaba unokudala iimeko xa umama eba "sesithathu ngaphandle". Inyaniso kukuba oomama abaninzi babophelela umntwana, kwaye ke uyise akafanelekanga, akawunqobi umncintiswano wokomama nonina, akabonakali. Oku kungabikho kokungazi kakuhle phakathi komama kunye nomntwana kunye nopapa, kwaye ke uya kuba "ngaphandle kwesithathu". Kodwa ukuba utata uthatha inyathelo kwaye useka udibaniselwano nomntwana, ngoko kamva umntwana angasifaka inkxaso yemoya kuye, xa unina akakwazi ukubonelela umntwana wakhe. Konke oku kunceda umntwana ukuba aqonde jikelele ihlabathi lamadoda kunye nehlabathi labasetyhini, ukuchonga bobabini nonina, kodwa okubaluleke kakhulu, oko umntwana akwenzayo, ubamba ubuhlobo bobudlelwane phakathi kwabazali.
Kuyakwazi ukuba ngowesithathu ebubudlelwaneni - yinto leyo inkwenkwe eyoyidinga xa intombi ethandekayo ithi kuye: "Ukudada, siya kuba nomntwana." Ukwesaba ukubonakala komntu wesithathu, umsindo kunye nokudumala kuye (ukuxhamla kwindlela yokuzalwa kunye nesiphumo "sokudla inyama") kubonisa ukuba njengomntwana, indoda engayigqiba indlela yokuhlukana nonina, ayizange ifunde ukujoyina ubuhlobo obusondeleyo, apho abathathi-nxaxheba bangaphezu kwembini. Ingakumbi ukuba le nto yesithathu engaqondakaliyo neyikrakrayo iya kuba yinto ebalulekileyo ebomini komntu othandekayo. Amadoda amaninzi angenza uxhumano "kwicala" ngexesha lokukhulelwa okanye ixesha lokuhamba emva komfazi - bacinga ukuba ngale ndlela bazinyamekela. Bashiya umntwana "umama owaneleyo", kodwa bayazicima umfazi kunye nenkosikazi ebusweni bakhe. Le yindlela yabo yokujamelana neemeko abangenakukwazi ukujamelana nayo ngokwengqondo. Ukufumana enye ibhinqa, benza iimeko ezingavumelekanga, xa kungekho umntu okhuphisana nomntwana ukuba anakekele unina, kunye nabasetyhini ababini bancintisana ngenxa yakhe.
Isikolo somntwana omncinane
Ngekhulu lemashumi mabini, le "ukungakwazi ukuba yingxenye yesithathu" yintlekele eqhelekileyo yezizukulwana ezipheleleyo, ilahlekelwe kuphela yindlela yendabuko yokuqaliswa kwamadoda kunye nokudluliselwa kobawo ovela kubaba kumntwana, kodwa kaninzi kunokwenzeka ukuba unxibelelwano phakathi koyise kunye nendodana. Iimfazwe ezimbini zehlabathi kunye nezinye iindawo ezixakekileyo ziye zabuthathaka kakhulu abantu. Ngoko ibinzana elinamaphiko ukusuka kwiClubs Fight: "Siyizizukulwana zamadoda ezakhutshwa ngabasetyhini" - ekuhambeni kwethu kweqiniso akunjalo kwisizukulwana esinye. Ngamanye amaxesha amadoda anjalo awakwazi ukushiya ubudlelwane "nomama wengane" ngexesha lokuphila.
Kodwa oku akuthethi ukuba iindawo zesini esomeleleyo kufuneka ngokubanzi zivunyelwe ngokomthetho ukuba zibe nabantwana. Kuphela kwimeko yabo, obazali bayazi kakuhle - ngaphandle okanye ukuthatha inxaxheba yonyango. Kuninzi kuxhomekeke ekuziphatheni komama ozayo, ukukwazi kwakhe ukudibanisa umthandi wakhe kwinkqubo yokulindela umntwana nokumnyamekela, kunye nokuchaza ukuba kutheni umntwana afuna.
Ubuntsapho obunonophelo kumntu wanamhlanje, ngokweengcali zeengqondo ze-American, zisekelwe kwiintsika ezintathu: ukuthatha inxaxheba, ukuphikelela nokuqonda. Ukuthatha inxaxheba kukubandakanyeka kukabawo ebomini bomntwana, umnqweno wokwenza okuthile ngawo, ukufikeleleka kwawo kunye noxanduva lwayo umntwana. Ukunyamekela kubalulekile kwintsana ekubhekiselele ekubhekiseni ubukho bukayise ngasemva kwayo, ukuba kungekhona yonke imizuzu, emva kwexesha elithile eliqinisekisiwe lexesha. Ekugqibeleni, ukuqonda akuchazi kuphela ulwazi malunga nophuhliso lomntwana kunye nemeko yangoku yemicimbi yakhe, kodwa nokuzinikezela ebomini bakhe obungaphakathi, ulwazi lweemfihlelo umntwana angakwazi ukuzenza kuye. Mhlawumbi, ukuba umntu ulungele ukunika indlalifa konke oku, unokuba nguyise omhle, ubuncinane, uya kuzama.
Izibalo zibonisa ukuba ngoku amadoda abuyele kancinci kwintsapho: njengoko uphando lubonisa, kumaWapa amapapa ngoku achithe ixesha elininzi kunye nabantwana babo kuneminyaka engama-20-30 edlulileyo. Ubuncinane, ngokuyeka ukuba yinto efunekayo yezinto eziphilayo, buya kuba yikhono elihlwayelwe kakuhle-kuya kuba nomnqweno.