Siza kudibana nomntu onokukuqonda ngegama elincinane, uqikelele yonke into enomnqweno wakho, kwaye ucinga ukuba ekugqibeleni wadibana nendoda yamaphupha akho? Ngaba ucinga ukuba ekugqibeleni ufumene iqabane lakho lomtshato, uqala ukucinga indlela uhamba ngayo isandla sakho kwisibingelelo somtshato?
Iingcali zengqondo zinobuchule kwimibandela yokwakha ubudlelwane bomtshato ziyacetyiswa ukuba zilinde ngolu hlobo. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, umntu akufanele enze izigqibo ezikhawulezayo. Kubalulekile ukuqiqa nokubuza imibuzo ebalulekileyo kunokuba ulungele ukulungiselela umtshato kwaye ulungiselele ngengqondo. Kubalulekile ukuba uqonde ukuba ngaba le ndoda iyakulandela ngokupheleleyo. Emva kwakho konke, ukuba akunjalo, kwaye ukhawuleza ukukhawuleza, oko akukuqinisekisi ukuba umtshato uya kuphazamiseka ngaphambi kokuba uqale.
Ugqirha wezengqondo uHaretet Lerner, obhala incwadi ethi "Imithetho yomtshato: isikhokelo sokutshata nokudibana", yachonga imigaqo eyishumi elula enokukunceda ukuba umyeni wakho ongeyena umonakalo.
- Omnye kufuneka aziva ngokucacileyo umgca phakathi kobubele, obunokubangela imibhangqwana kwisigaba sokuqala sobudlelwane babo kunye nokufuphi komoya. Ubonakaliso obunamandla beemvakalelo, ezinokuthi zenze umxhwele, okanye ukuqala kokuqala akunakukwazi ukukhonza njengendlela yokubonisa ukuba phakathi kwakho unesimo sengqondo esinamandla ngokwenene.
- Nantsi kuyimfuneko ukusikhokelwa ngentliziyo, kodwa okokuqala ngenxa yezizathu. Emva koko, kukho into efana ne "candy-bouquet period," emva koko, ukuba iimvakalelo zakho azikholwanga njengoko zibonakala, yonke into iphela. Kulo nqanaba lolwalamano, xa amaqabane aqala ukuzazana, abayiboni into ephambili, kuba ilawulwa yimvakalelo evelele kweso sikhashana, kodwa ingengqiqo. Ngenxa yoko, akukho nto yokuvavanya injongo yesiqingatha sayo sesibini, kuba ngeli xesha le sibini sinokubona okulungileyo komnye nomnye, kwaye kuphela oko bafuna ngokwabo. Ngoko ke, kubaluleke kakhulu kwisigaba sokuqala sobudlelwane ukubandakanya intloko nokusebenzisa ingqiqo.
- Ukuqwalasela kubaluleke kakhulu. Ngexesha lobudlelwane bakho, musa ukwahlukana nakwihlabathi langaphandle, kwaye ube kunye kunye, ungafuni ukubona umntu. Kubalulekile ukwenza okuchaseneyo. Ukubukela okhethiweyo wakho kwaye unike ithuba kwiintsapho zakho, izalamane okanye abahlobo, ugcine kwaye uhlole indlela aziphatha ngayo.
- Yiba nguwe. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuziphulaphula kumanqanaba okuqala olwalamano. Uziphatha njani kulwalamano, ngaba uzama ukukholisa nokuzalisekisa nayiphi na iminqweno yekhethiweyo yakho, uzama ukubonakala ngathi uyindoda efanelekileyo. Zama ukuba nguwe, kungekhona ukulungelelanisa, kodwa ukuthetha nokukwenza oko ufuna. Ngaloo ndlela, uya kukwazi ukuqonda nokucacisa, ngekamva, nokuba uya kukwazi ukuthatha loo nto oyiyo.
- Sixabise okhethiweyo wakho njengomhlobo. Ngaba unokwakha ubungane nalo mntu. Emva koko, umyeni kufuneka enze indima yomhlobo ngaphezu kwendima yomthandi. Ngaba ubuya kuba nobuhlobo?
- Thabatha ingqalelo kwisimo sakho sangaphakathi emva kokudibana nesiqingatha sakho. Ngaba uziva uxinzelelo okanye ukhonkco, ngaba ugcwele amandla kwaye yonke into ibonakala iphexheni lakho?
- Naka ingqalelo kwiingxaki zeempawu zakhe ozilungeleyo ukumkela. Okanye mhlawumbi kukho abo uzakufumana kunzima ukunyamezela kwixesha elizayo. Kubalulekile ukulungiselela onke amanqaku ngexesha.
- Kufuneka ukuba ukhumbule ukuba awukwazi ukungena ebudlelwaneni bakho nentloko yakho, ngelixa ulahlekelwa ngumntu. Iminqweno kunye neemfuno zakho kufuneka zihlale ziphambili. Emva koko, ukuba ulwalamano aluyi kukhula, kuya kuba nzima ukuba ulungelelanise nehlabathi elikujikelezile. Xa uceba umtshato, ungakulibali ukuba ihlabathi lizele iimangalo, kwaye izinto azikwazi ukuhlala zifana nokuthanda kwabo.
- Soloko ufumanisa umxholo wengxabano yakho. Musa ukugwinya into ethile ukuze ugweme ukuxabana. Ukungavumelani kufuneka kupheliswe ngokucacisa zonke iimeko. Emva kwakho konke, xa uqeda ukungaqondi kakuhle, uya kuqonda kakuhle, kwaye uya kukwazi ukuhlola indlela umlingane wakho aziphatha ngayo kwiimeko ezinjalo.
- Kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuba akukho thando kwaye akukho mvakalelo inokutshintsha umntu kwixesha elizayo. Ukuba kukho into okwangoku ayihambisani nawe, okwangoku ungagqithanga umbuzo, emva koko, ngokubhekisela kwinto yokuba uthando lukhona, kwaye ezinye ziyakuqhotyoshelweyo, ke le yiphutha elikhulu. Kuyimfuneko ngoku ukuba wenze isigqibo malunga noko ulungele ukubeka kwixesha elizayo, kunye noko kungenjalo.