Ukuba ulandela isigama sesigqirha sokusebenza kwengqondo esaziwayo u-Erich Bern, ngoko umtshato kunye nesiphumo saso - umtshato ungabandakanywa kwiqela lemidlalo abantu abayidlalayo. Imfundiso kaBerne ilula: ukungabikho kwezibophelelo zengqondo kunemiphumela embi kumntu. Ngaloo ndlela, iintsana ezingenakunxulumana nabanye abantu zilalele emva kokuphuhliswa kwaye zingafi. Ngokufanayo, abantu abahlala emtshatweni ixesha elide ngokungabikho kwezibophelelo zomtshato banokuqhawula umtshato.
Ukwahlukana, xa kwenzeka, inkqubo, ndiyazi ngokwam, ayiyinto emnandi. Kwaye umcimbi apha awunqabile ukuvalelwa, ukutyhola ukungathembeki nokungathandeki. Ukwahlukana kwepropati, kunye nokuhlengahlengiswa kwabahlobo, kwongeza imvakalelo engalunganga kwikhobe ekhuselekileyo yomonde. Iimvakalelo, apho kwakungekho ndlela yokuphuma ebomini bomi bomi, ngoku ngokuqinisekileyo baqabane. Kwaye oku akunakwenzeka kodwa kubangele kwimiphumo, kwaye baya kuba kunye nomqondiso okanye kunye nexesha lokutshintshwa kwexesha eliza kuthiwa. Kodwa kubaluleke nakakhulu ukuqonda izizathu zeziphumo.
I-Statistics yezwi
Izibalo ziqinisekisa: enye yezinga eliphezulu zezinga lokuqhawula umtshato liwela kwixesha elilodwa ukuya kwimithathu emva komtshato osemthethweni. Kukho izizathu ezininzi zezi zinto: kubunzima bezinto eziphathekayo ukuyeka ukungathembeki. Kodwa kukho uluvo lokuba le meko "emtshatweni" iphoyisa iimvakalelo: injongo ifezekile, isiseko sithathwa, ngoku unako ukuphumla. Akukho mfuneko yokukhohlisa, ukunyenga, ukuwela emthandweni uze uthandane, uqinisekise kwaye uqiniseke. Ngoko kuza i-postphy-emotional emotion asphyxia. Ngokufanayo kuya kwenzeka ngexesha lobudlelwane bomtshato kwizilwanyana: kungekudala ngaphambi kokuba ukuxhatshaza kwindoda ibe kwisimo esingaphantsi kwaye kukho konke kubonakala kubhinqa ukuba akayikwesaba kwaye uyathobela. Injongo yemvelo yale nkqubo ephakamileyo, ebizwa kwihlabathi lezenzululwazi ngokuguqulwa kolawulo, iyaziwa - ukuba ingabesabisi ibhinqa, ukuze igweme. Okufanayo kunokubonakala kubantu: abantu basebenzisa ngobuchule yonke le miyalo, beguqa, begqoke ezandleni zabo, bathembisa ukuba bafumane inkwenkwezi esibhakabhakeni ukuze bafikelele kwiinjongo zabo ezicacileyo. Kwasekuseni, izolo, intombazana ethandwayo, iqalekisayo inkohliso, ithembisa ukuba ihambe naye. Ngokucacileyo, ukupholisa iimvakalelo kwiminyaka yokuqala emva komtshato kuhambelana nokuguquka okufanayo kokulawula: i-premiere-romantic "Mthandi, ndiya kukuzisa inkwenkwezi", ithathelwe indawo yenkqubo yokunyusa i-post-festive prosaic "Kuphi iVodka, iZin."
Umtshato kunye nokuqhawula umtshato kwinto efana neyomgaqo wemathematika: kukho konke okungaziwayo. Njengomthetho, ezi zingaziwa zilindeleke kumaqabane. Ukuba uyashiya iinqununu zothando, uthabatha kunye nokukhula, ngoko kulungelelwano lokugqibela, njani ungaphuthi, kuya kuba nomdla abantu abafuna ukuwufumana xa betshadile, nokuba bafuna ukufumana inzala okanye inkxaso yenyama. Kuyafana nokuqhawula umtshato. Ukuba ukubalwa kuchanekile, ngoko ukulindela kuya kulungelelaniswa-oku kuyingcamango. Ebomini, akunakwenzeka ukubala zonke izinto ngokuchaneka kwemathematika.
Izikhombisi ezingezizo
Kodwa kukho enye inani-manani-manani ayenjalo, kodwa ulindelwe: abaninzi abantu banxulumana nesisombululo seengxaki ezininzi kunye nomtshato. Abantu abaninzi banokuqhawula umtshato kunye neenguqu eziyimpumelelo ebomini babo, kunye nokuphunyezwa kwexesha elide, kunye nobomi obuvela kwi-slate ecocekileyo. Enyanisweni, ukuqhawula umtshato ngokuqhelekileyo kuyisiganeko sokutsala ingqalelo, ukubonakalisa ukubaluleka kwayo. Ukubala kulo mdlalo kulula: ukuzahlula naye ukuze (yena) aqonde indlela ekuphosakeleyo ngayo, ukuba (yena) wayiphutha njani, indlela engayithandi ngayo ubukho bakho. Ukubala, ngokubanzi, kuchanekileyo, kunye nemeko kuphela yokuba iqabane liyakwamukela le mithetho yomdlalo kwaye ikulindeleke ngokukhawuleza i-instant instant mix of reconciliation. Phakathi kwam obaziyo kukho isibini esinesibini esele siphila kwimigaqo elula yokuhlukana nokuxolelana. Baza kuqhubeka behlangene, oko kukuthi, ukuba bahlukane kunye nexesha elizeleyo baze bahlangane, de kube ngelinye ilanga omnye wabo uzimisele ukuphula imithetho yomdlalo. Okwangoku, yonke into iphumelele.
Kukho ezinye iimeko: ngokuphindaphindiweyo abatshatileyo, abaphelelwe yinkcaso kunye nokuphikisana, bayavunyelwa ukuba bahambe yonke indlela: bevela kwezobudlelwane bezesondo eziphathekayo ekuthengeni imoto emitsha, ukususa imali ngemithambo kunye neentengiso, ekutshintsheni imisebenzi. Eminye emva kwezinto ezinjalo, ezenziwe ngumzabalazo womzabalazo oswelekileyo phambi kokungabi nabulungisa kokuphila, ukufumana ipropati entsha kunye nemvakalelo emitsha, abanye bazama ukudideka kwabo bobabini abanomdla kunye nobulungisa bobomi ngokwawo. Kwaye konke oku akusikho umnqweno wemfihlelo ukufumanisa ukubaluleka kwayo, ukubonakalisa ukuphakama kwayo.
Nanku wonk 'ubani unelungelo lokuzijonga njengomdlali ophumeleleyo, kodwa ngokubhekiselele kwiminqweno yemfihlo - ukusilela ngokupheleleyo. Akunjalo nabangaphambili abaza ku tyelela i-champagne ukuba badumise impumelelo kwindawo yabo entsha yomsebenzi okanye bavume ukuthengwa kwe-BMW entsha. Akunjalo ngenxa yokuba abazi (abahlobo abaqhelekileyo, abangenako ukwahlukana, ngokungafani nendawo yokuhlala kunye nabantwana, ngexesha elifanelekileyo elinomdla, abo babesemzini bazinikezela kwimicimbi yomnye nomnye), ukuba nje udumise, kuya kuthetha ukudibanisa, ukuvuma ukutshatyalaliswa, ukungalunganga.
Kulo mdlalo, iimbini ezinqabileyo zibuyisela uxhumano olulahlekileyo, kodwa abaninzi bafikelela kwiindawo eziphakamileyo ezingabonakaliyo kwimisebenzi yabo. Zonke iintyala zengqondo: ukususela ngoku zijoliswe ekufezekiseni iziphumo ezibekiwe, kwaye kungekhona ekukhankanyeni kwezibhengezo zangaphambili. Kwaye konke oku ngeyona nto kuphela: injongo yokwenene, kunye nomphumo wangempela awufezekanga, iiminqweno ezifihlakeleyo ayilungiswanga. Akukho namnye olahlekelwa apha, ngaphandle kweethemba eziphukileyo, iimvakalelo ezixhalabisayo, iintsholongwane zentsimbi kunye nenzondo enkulu.
Ubume bomtshato
Omnye wabaphandi ababalaseleyo kwiinkalo ze-ethology, ugqirha we-Biological Sciences, uProfesa uViktor Rafaelevich Dolnik, uphando malunga nobudlelwane bomtshato kwizilwanyana kunye nokuzama ukutyhila isakhiwo salo somntu kuza kwizigqibo ezingalindelekanga: ukuguqulwa komntu olandela indlela yokukhethwa kwemvelo kwaphazamiseka, kwaye loo mntu wahlala engaphelelanga, kunye nenkitha enkulu yokuphikisana phakathi kwezinto eziphathekayo ngokwesini, umtshato, intsapho kunye nokuziphatha kwentlalo. Ukususela kwangoku, kungekhona abo bahlelwe bhetele, kodwa abo bafumene bhetele kwaye basebenzise ulwazi olufunyenwe kwaye banikezelwa kwisizukulwana kwisizukulwana, indlela yokwakha, indlela yokukhipha ukutya, indlela yokuphila, isaphila. Ngenxa yoko, ngokuqhelekileyo siziphatha kakubi, nangona kunjalo, xa sikhokelwa ziinjongo zangaphakathi, nangona xa sizama ngokuzithandela ukwenza konke ngendlela yabo.
Uninzi lwezizukulwana zabafundi abaneminyaka engama-30 abanamhlanje bafumene amava abajonga abazali babo. Kwaye amava abo, njengomthetho, athetha ngento enye: kubalulekile ukugcina umtshato kuzo zonke iindleko (kwakungekho ngothando). Ngaphantsi "ngeendlela zonke" kuqondwa kakhulu. Ndixolelwe kakhulu: ukugwenxa, ukudakwa, indlu encinane, umvuzo omncinane, ukuxabana nomkhwekazi noninazala. Kwaye konke oku kunye nokuzithethelela rhoqo: yonke into ngenxa yabantwana. Ubomi bentsapho obunjalo buhlala buba ngumvavanyo. Kwakubonakala ngathi abantwana baya kukhula baze baxabise ukuzidela. Kodwa abantwana bakhula, kwaye abakhawuleza batshata, batshata okanye banabantwana. Abayilungele ubomi bentsapho obunjalo, kumlinganiselo othile wezilingo. Ababuthathaka. Bathembekile kunye nabo kwaye bafuna ukunyaniseka kwintsapho ezayo. Ngobisi lomama, bafumanisa ukuba umtshato ungalunganga. Ingaba kuba ayenzi ukukhawuleza ngomtshato, ukuba bayesaba ukuba babe ngabantwana ababi emehlweni abo abazali babo, ukuba abafuni ukuba ngabazali ababi emehlweni abo bantwana babo?
Gcina umtshato okanye ugqibe ukuqhawula umtshato? Ukhetho lugqitywe kuphela ngumlinganiselo woxanduva. Kwaye andinakuthetha ukuba isizukulwana samanje sabantu abaneminyaka engamashumi amathathu asinakukhathazeka ngokuphathelele umtshato. Kunoko, ngokuchaseneyo: baqonda kakuhle ubuchule babo kwaye bayazi kakuhle ukuba ngubani, kunye nobani, njani, nini kwaye bakufuna kuphi. Kuyafana okufanayo ngomtshato.